Judy notices her boyfriend Dave is annoyed after he saw her talk to another man he did not know. So she asks him with a smile "are you jealous?" After all, if he is, it means she's really important to him and that's flattering and bonding.
Maybe he says yes. Maybe he says no to avoid showing how much she means to him by now.
So what is it with jealousy? Many people find it an annoying feeling to have because it makes them anxious and uncertain.
There are two streams of motivation that fuel jealousy from what I can tell. To understand them let's take a look inside our brain.
The old reptile part of our brain, and its next up buddy the old emotional-mammalian, have to do with governing the procreation of our species. There was a time in human evolution when all that mattered was staying alive and making sure the race continued. During that time, and today too, it was apparent that when you had kids, it was easier to raise them if you had a partner to do it with. Having two or more people insured that our kids would make it into adulthood. Anyone who threatened that bond by wanting to mate with our partner threatened the survival of the offspring. So making sure that people stayed close to home was a biological necessity.
Maybe Dave tapped into that part of his brain when he saw Judy talk to another man. Rationally he knows that she "belongs" to him now but still, that old part of his brain continues to act as if time stopped thousands of years ago. No amount of rationalizing is going to turn it off.
But something else may be going on as well. Let's say Dave's background is one of deprivation or insecurity when it comes to attachment to others. He makes it into adulthood with an attitude that some people, especially those you get close to, can be unpredictable and unreliable. Now his strategy to survive becomes one of either minimizing how much he needs Judy or, if he allows himself to be vulnerable with her, his fear of losing her increases exponentially.
Naturally then, when he sees another man, his brain kicks into high gear. Not only does it tell him there's a rival around for his mate to make babies, it also tells him he may lose her emotional support and nurturance and love. Now that is scary. Psychological need now makes the issue more complex.
Unfortunately there are many instances where someone's jealousy hijacks their mind to the point where they become violent. They attack the other "rival" or attack their partner. Their rational mind is literally disabled and they are flushed with feelings of rage and fear. Ever see how a cornered animal reacts when it thinks its life is in danger? This is essentially the exact same situation that some people find themselves in. They lash out and engage in bizarre behavior they would never do in their sane mind. It starts with just a small feeling of irritation and can lead to a volcanic eruption. Phone calls at odd hours of the day, hacking email, threats, all kinds of stalking behavior. The list is as long as human history.
The moral of the story? It's normal to feel jealous. Go ahead and tell your partner what you feel but don't get controlling. Learn to take care of yourself first if you're being accused of that.
