Have you ever had the situation where your spouse or partner tells you that a former ex has resurfaced and wants to be “just friends?” Your partner tells you there is nothing to worry about because he/she is very happy with you. But you have this odd feeling down inside that something is just a bit “off” about this.
Or maybe you meet someone new and are told that there is an ex hanging around but that they are now “just friends” and that you are the coveted object of desire. Your rational side understands this yet some other part of you pauses. You feel ambivalent. It’s not just “quite right.”
Tolerating ambivalence or uncertainty is hard to do. The brain likes certainty and predictability. Even if you thrive on unpredictability, there is still some part that seeks comfort and uniformity.
If we can’t get over that odd feeling it’s not because we aren’t mature or adult enough, it’s that our brains are not wired for it.
The triune brain is a model of brain functioning formulated by Paul MacLean, the former director of the Laboratory of Brain and Behavior at NIMH. His model divides the brain into 3 different parts. The brain, of course, has many, many parts, but this model organizes them into user friendly digestible parts.
Part 1 is known as the R-system or reptilian complex. Here the brain stem and cerebellum monitor physical safety, fight or flight feelings, digestion, motion, respiration, circulation, reproduction. It also organizes our sense of territory (including partners), home, social power. The behaviors generated here are automatic and very resistant to change. The theory goes that as we evolved as a species, this part of the brain evolved first. I suppose when we were just coming down from trees and began our tribal groupings, we had to have a sense of group order, protecting ourselves from predators and worried about food and shelter most of the time inbetween making babies.
Part 2 is the Limbic system. This part evolved later in time and is responsible for emotions, events associated with emotions, converting long term memory into memory recall. It also has to do with our sense of attachment to others, bonding, smelling the “other,” feelings of protectiveness and security. In other words, feeling angry at having been abandoned by a loved one because it reminds you of something that happened in the past is a limbic activity. Feeling comfortable in a secure, protective environment at home, feeling safe, feeling loved, all this is limbic activity.
As we continued to evolve these parts of the brain helped us be here in the physical world, secure ourselves, form attachments to others to support a growing community, look out for each other and gather together to find food and raise children.
Part 3 is the neocortex. This part evolved much later in time and allows us to create language, think creatively, reflect, understand, plan for the future, anticipate consequences to actions. It provides what is called higher executive activity and helps mediate information from the other parts of the brain.
What is interesting about this model is that as we grow as humans from infancy to adulthood, our brains follow the same developmental path. While we are still in our mother's belly, the R-system and Limbic systems are put in place. There is only a smattering of a neocortex. This part gains momentum as we mature after birth from childhood all the way to around age 25.
Ever wonder why some teenagers are so self centered and have a hard time learning that bad behavior has unfortunate consequences? Their higher brain functions are still not quite in place and more growth still has to occur. What is even more interesting is that this part of the brain is very dependent on a warm, supportive home environment. If the early environment was harsh and cold you end up with someone whose behavior is primarily centered around pleasure and pain, who is mostly motivated by raw emotional impulses and who seems unable to think critically.
Going back to the original scenario then, our “odd” feeling stems from our lower brain centers. Somehow we recall from our ancient past that someone else with whom our partner has been intimate with is a potential rival for our territory we are forging with our partner. We don’t want intruders. At the same time our higher brain center tells us there is nothing to worry about because our partner has assured us. So there is nothing else to do but learn to trust.
Much contradictory behavior and thoughts and feelings originate as a result of different parts of the brain being activated at the same time. It can be perplexing sometimes.
You walk down a dark street and see a gang of rough looking hoods coming your way. You get anxious (r-system). As they get closer you recognize them as the kids from your neighborhood going home from the swimming pool (neocortex).
You are at work and find yourself lusting for someone down the hall (r-system) while at the same time you feel happy in your current relationship and don’t want to threaten it (limbic/neocortex).
Or you are preparing a presentation for work that will advance your status (neocortex). As you think about speaking before your peers you get anxious (r-system/limbic). The list can go on and on.
The neocortex is an amazing piece of machinery and much of it is still being explored. Our sense of spirituality or ability to empathize with the plight of others, these appear to originate in the neocortex. I would love to have a glimpse into a crystal ball to see what the human race will look like as the neocortex continues to evolve in future generations. This is the magic of our evolving brain. It has never been a final product. It is a continuous process of evolution.
If you look at our current state of affairs you can see the contradictions we have as a race. We are violent and predatory as we have always been yet then there are also the Einsteins and Mozarts and Mother Teresas. These facts reflect the ongoing evolution of that mush inside our skulls.
