Have you ever been on the beach and looked up into the clouds and started seeing images in those clouds? Maybe of your mother-in-law (a dark cloud?) or a horse or your first love?
Your mother-in-law really isn’t up in that cloud, though maybe you wish she were, and you know that. It’s just a hallucination.
Our brains like patterns. We look, identify, analyze and catalog our environment. It is what makes progress possible. In this particular example, what is happening is called “projection,” similar to what a film projector does as it “projects” the image from the film (brain) onto the screen (consciousness).
Moreover, projection is the act of seeing something out there that resembles something we already know. Freud first discovered this and surmised that this helped maintain psychic equilibrium. In other words, it helps keeps us sane. But why would that be?
Imagine if everything you ever experienced, the good and bad, constantly flooded your mind throughout the day. All the feelings you’ve ever felt and memories from the thousands of experiences you’ve had would rush across the screen of your mind as you went to work, tried to work, tried to relax afterwards. Obviously you would not be able to function. We’d be basketcases weeping or laughing at the frontsteps of our door every morning.
But nature has stepped in to provide various means by which all these things are kept “down under.” We do not remember them. We forget as experiences metabolize in our nervous system and time moves forward.
Freud’s daughter Anna cataloged a number of strategies the psyche uses to keep various uncomfortable memories out of consciousness so that we can function. A common one we can all easily identify is denial. We just pretend something doesn’t exist even though we know it does. Minimizing is another one. Instead of admitting how wrong you really were in a decision you made, you minimize its importance.
Ever been pulled over by a cop because you were speeding or missed a stop sign? What did you say? Maybe, “um, uh, I’m sorry. I didn’t notice.” You scramble for excuses to get yourself out of the situation as fast as possible and hope he doesn’t write you up. And once he’s gone you might grumble about why he doesn’t go after some real criminals instead of you. These are all efforts by the psyche to restore equlibrium so you don’t have to feel so bad.
Projection is another one of those strategies. But this one is quite clever because it happens without us knowing we are doing it. Actually “we” aren’t doing anything. Our brains are doing it for us, just like when we see shapes in the clouds up there.
We see “out there,” usually in another person, though it can also be a social or ethnic group or a country, something we wish to deny exists in us. For example, say someone grew up in a home with very selfish, self centered parents who ignored most of their children’s needs. Chances are this person will also be self centered and selfish in some ways though these may or may not be as obvious as it was with their parents.
However, being ignored at a time when it is important to be paid attention to is also painful. Distrust of authority figures, suspicions of someone else’s motives, heightened sensitivity to power and control, needing to have one’s way or to be right all the time, all these things are fuel for projection to keep the unhappy memories associated with those dynamics out of consciousness so we can go to work.
What happens then is that this person begins to see “out there” things that are true about themselves they don’t think exist or simply deny. They complain that “others” are selfish, self centered, controlling, need to be right all the time, when in fact all these things may be true of themselves too. It smacks of hypocrisy right? You betcha. Ever see an evangelical preach against immorality and only to be exposed for having been with a prostitute or having had a homosexual relationship?
But Alex my friend says after I explain this to him. “My partner really is selfish and controlling. It’s not just my brain making it all up.”
True, true I said. Like always goes to like. Even if the outside shell looks different, if you scratch the surface a little bit, you see the same things in both. This is what can make relationships tricky. Both project onto the other things they wish to avoid in themselves and then accuse the other.
When we as a nation stand in fear of random violence against us or complain about the cruelty of others, we are also making a statement about us as a nation. Slavery, deposing an entire indigenous population, exploiting others for our purposes, all these things are true of us and it is so easy to complain about it in others.
Unfortunately when mutual projection takes place, just as in relationships, not much good will come of it. It will only give fuel to sustain the cycle. It is only when we “own” our own negative qualities and stop acting on them that real change takes place. I can’t make my partner stop being selfish. I can only stop myself. This may serve as notice that a new tune is being played and the other will have to adjust. If not, it’s my decision to stay or leave. Blaming the other for my lack of a satisfying relationship will go nowhere.
